


Loved and Alive

by ScarfyTheShipster



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Affection, Aftercare, Anxiety Attacks, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Fluff, Gen, Kissing, Light Bondage, Playful Sex, Praise Kink, Safeword Use, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Slight polyamory Apprentice/Julian/Asra, Sub Julian Devorak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-19 19:39:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17007927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarfyTheShipster/pseuds/ScarfyTheShipster
Summary: “Oh Ilya, I have so many ideas,” purred Asra. He idly traced his finger down Julian’s tensed stomach, brushing against his hair and eying him like a cat on top of a trapped mouse. Asra was still fully clothed, pleased with Julian’s naked body. “What do you think you’ve earned? What do you deserve? You’ve been so good for me, so sweet. I want you to pick your reward, anything you like.”Asra’s eyes held lust and a twinkle of playfulness in them. He hadn’t felt Julian freeze beneath him when asked what he deserved.





	Loved and Alive

Julian was a little tied up at the moment. Not that it was cause for complaining. He’d asked very nicely to be tied up, wrists bound above his head on Asra’s bed. Asra’s soft lips were pressed to his own, kissing gently and making Julian moan. His face was flushed pink, neck and collarbone covered with bruising marks and bites, eyelids heavy as every fiber of his being begged for Asra to take him. 

“Such a good boy,” cooed Asra. He kissed Julian’s jaw and trailed down his neck, kissing his harsh bites and hands on Julian’s chest as he kissed lower and lower. Julian’s hips lifted with want and he moaned again, trembling with heat. The mix of roughness he’d endured and the affection made him nothing more than a pile of need. Asra looked up at Julian through soft white eyelashes, tongue swiping against Julian’s nipple. “Something you want?”

Julian whined. He loved being so on display and vulnerable. Asra knew it, knew exactly how much Julian craved his favorite brand of mischief. Julian was an all too willing toy to be played with. “You. Asra- hmmmmmmm, anything you want,” he sighed. 

“Oh Ilya, I have so many ideas,” purred Asra. He idly traced his finger down Julian’s tensed stomach, brushing against his hair and eying him like a cat on top of a trapped mouse. Asra was still fully clothed, pleased with Julian’s naked body. “What do you think you’ve earned? What do you deserve? You’ve been so good for me, so sweet. I want you to pick your reward, anything you like.”

Asra’s eyes held lust and a twinkle of playfulness in them. He hadn’t felt Julian freeze beneath him when asked what he deserved. Julian stared at him, suddenly afraid of answering wrong. Julian gnawed his lower lip, passing it off as arousal when in reality his stomach dropped.

What was he, beyond a plaything? Did he deserve Asra’s love? Julian certainly didn’t think so. He thought of how Asra could deliver punishments and praise so readily, how no matter how his heart felt Asra’s mood could shift like the wind. It was always what Julian had on his mind. He always initiated. Was it a trick question, to make him realize Asra was done with their relationship, that even physically he couldn’t satisfy Asra?

Asra and Julian shared their Apprentice. Julian loved them both with all of himself, but did he deserve anything back? Did they even want him? His eyes fell closed and he almost forgot to breathe as his heart raced. His lovers had no use for him. He didn’t deserve anything. Asra was going to throw him away.

“Ilya? Are you okay?”

Julian was barely aware of the tears pouring down his face. He shook his head frantically. Asra’s hand rested on his cheek. Julian’s chest heaved with uncontrollable sobs and Asra’s worried voice carried over his cries.

“Oh god- Ilya, sweetheart. I’ll untie you, okay?”

“Safeword. I’m- I’m so sorry-“ Julian cried harder, shame coursing through him. He’d never stopped a session before, and Asra had hardly done anything to him. Julian couldn’t even keep it together for a light bout of sex. He sniffled and the second his hands were freed he curled up into a miserable ball, shaking and crying and feeling worse by the second. 

“It’s okay. I’m right here.” Asra hugged Julian from the side and tried to snuggle him. “I know these things can happen when people are vulnerable, it’s alright.”

Asra didn’t get it. Julian felt stupid, crying his eyes out and undressed on a bed he didn’t think he could call his own. He’d long seen himself as the third wheel in their group. Asra and their Apprentice were happier without him. “Just leave,” he whispered.

“No.” Asra grabbed a blanket and draped it over Julian’s shoulders. He cuddled up to Julian and rested his fluffy white head against Julian’s shoulder. “Ilya, I’m not leaving. Let me help you, okay? Do you need food or anything to drink? Is cuddling good?”

Julian sniffled. Asra’s warm presence felt heavenly, and he slightly calmed down. “I- I don’t deserve you. Or our Apprentice.”

“Ilya.” Asra stroked Julian’s messy red curls and angled his head up, concern and grief on his face. “Ilya, why would you say that? I care for you very much.” Asra pet Julian’s cheek, wiping his tears. “How long have you felt like this? I didn’t know I neglected you.”

“I- I just-“ Julian shook his head. “I don’t want to trouble you, I should go-“

Asra hugged Julian. “You’re not in any condition to go anywhere. I care for you, and so does our darling Apprentice. Do you know how upset they were when you tried to leave them?” It made Julian nod weakly. “Do you know what it’s like seeing you so hurt and not letting me help? I’m not the best at reading you but please, let me try.”

Julian shook in Asra’s arms, face buried in his shoulder. “I’m-“

“Please don’t say sorry.”

“Er.” Julian averted his eyes. “I panicked because you asked what I thought I deserved.” Julian reverently stroked Asra’s hair. “I know we were playing but it just hit me hard.”

“Ilya, no one deserves anyone else.” Asra pressed a chaste kiss to Julian’s cheek. “I give you affection and love because I want to. We love our Apprentice just because we do. You don’t have to earn kindness or love, and I don’t want to bring that kind of language into bed anymore if it makes you feel like it actually impacts how you view yourself.” Asra gave Julian a soft smile. “I’d give you all the kisses and love you’d like, regardless of how ‘good’ you’ve been. Ha! Maybe more, depending on what kind of bad boy you’d been.”

Julian laughed. He rubbed Asra’s back, already better. With how patient and loving Asra was being, it was hard to reject him. “I struggle with how I view myself. And I do want to apologize- genuinely, for letting that get to me. I know I’m loved.” 

“Yes you are.” Asra grinned as Faust wound around Julian’s shoulders as a hug. He pet Julian’s hair, watching the curls bounce back over his face. “Ilya, you’re a light in my life I don’t want to lose. Can you please tell me whenever something is wrong?”

Julian nodded. He laid back down and brought Asra into a close hug. It was difficult to talk, but obviously holding his doubts and troubles in hadn’t worked. “Asra?”

“Hmmm?”

“You’ve never been actually mad at me when you punish me, right?”

Asra’s eyes lit up with alarm. “No! Oh god, Ilya- have you really thought that?”

“Yes- no. Sometimes.” Julian shifted awkwardly under the blanket. “When I’m deep in a scene, sometimes I worry. You’ve never done anything wrong or actually hurt me, but sometimes I get scared that I’ve done something that warrants a whipping.”

“Never.” Asra frowned. “I only indulge your masochistic side because you enjoy it, the same way anyone likes kisses or back rubs. I’m never getting kinky with you again if you’ve thought for a second that I enjoy legitimately hurting you.”

Julian’s face fell. “N-never?”

Asra struggled to swallow down an inappropriately timed laugh. “Okay, maybe in the future. You did good tonight, stopping what we were doing and saying Safeword. I’m proud of you for not trying to hide how you felt. I never ever want to push you or do anything you don’t want at the time.” 

“Okay.” Julian scooped Asra into a close hug and kissed him firmly, grinning widely when he broke the kiss. “I love you too, dear.”

Asra gave him a smirk. “I know.”

“Can I keep you company while you make dinner? For once I feel the need to put pants on in our bed.”

“Absolutely.” Asra tossed the rope aside and winked. “Don’t worry, Ilya. We’ll have so much vanilla fun together you’ll hardly remember what it’s like to not be spoiled and doted on. I insist.”

Asra stood at the stovetop stirring in spices and seasoning for a hearty soup as Julian hugged him from behind, dressed but still with a blanket over them. He nuzzled Asra’s hair and grinned with delight as Asra angled his head back for kisses. The two were in an affectionate embrace when their Apprentice got home, both giving them a welcoming smile.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Find me on Tumblr at StressBakingElf


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